Ok so umm...yea...Hi.
I am stuck between pulling the covers over my head to getcho azz up with a hint of breathe. I won't recap too much-it's in the previous post for the most part; so THANK YOU ALL for your love n patience and condolenses as I navigate grief of losing the matriarch n last of the Big Mama Era. I've been taking it day by day after feeling like I've been walkin in place for weeks. The biggest hurdle is...time doesn't pause to even give u time to think let alone process and it's easy to lose urself in the shuffle becuz well...**rips off days on calendar**
I am not one to make announcements to this magnitude n keep the more personal news here on my own blog space. Do not feel bad if ur late to the party of finding out; I'm still at such a loss that even trying to share the news I go mute because I open my mouth n literally...the words just do NOT come out. It's like sleep paralysis-so weird. Also...don't feel bad if you've been keeping ur distance becuz I totally get it...what do u say? what can u do? Nothing. Yes, we can do the cliche of "let me know if.u need anything" n etc but let's be real... **crickets** The love is felt just the same and this brings me back to the title...
God is so real. I've been having so many revelations during this last month to show me my faith is in the right place n to keep doing what I've been doin. There is no lack of love I feel from yall..absolutely NONE. Beyond seein the love whether it's messages, calls, gifts sent-I am grateful for it all. As unbelievable as it sounds...I feeeeeel the love. When I wanna drown in tears n be lazy there's a magnetic pull to move my legs out the bed n sit me up straight to take on the day. Yes, another day! I will say...the first few days after her passing, I was a zombie. I had worry come over me becuz as her main point of contact n caretaker n even with the help of my sister n law (she's such a God send); I still felt pressure. Towards the end of the week, I paused in the middle of the day n took a deep breathe to say "Let Go, Let God". It's one of my favorite mantra's when I get into situations where I have no clue what my next step will be. It was in that moment, I felt relief n although I didn't know what was to come...I will say I felt lighter. God is so real.
After the first week n my mantra, I started feeling like ok...let me get back into the world-again, one day at a time. I was able to find paperwork with a clear mind that wasn't cluttered with worry and it's been a blessing to go through this process with ease and support. Your thoughts n prayers are FELT!! It's the push I need in a time like this.
So yea...I just wanted to peek in becuz whether I answer ur message in my head, lol or actually hit send for u to receive it; I'm around. I even appreciate that yall notice I'm missing, lol. I'll be getting back to my Sip Trip Saturdays while the weather is still comfy n back to sharing some hauls. My biggest upcoming milestone is celebrating a whole EIGHTEEN year old this week **gasp** I know, I know, I know!! Emotional Rollercoaster.
I am just...wheeeew...living in gratitude n allowing myself to be tender because I am fragile. I hate forcing myself to go to bed early with this time change becuz I wake up thinking it's at least 0300a and it's only like 11pm...like OMG when will this day ennnnnnd. Blessed tho...I am. I know I'll be okay and shifting into something greater as we inch into 2025-I'm optimistic n already deliberating making goals n my yearly theme. I will be using my bereavement time to unplug n take the steps to get back to life. I enjoy quiet time to hear God speak to me n get some clarity on direction. My morning coffee time is still a thing! I'm getting back into my routine of daily walks n Pilates and I'm gonna keep pushing n showing up while I'm on this side of the living. I thank God everyday <3
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